Wedding Etiquette 101
by Frances Ford Rockefella III
1) On the night of the wedding, imagine yourself prim and proper. Perhaps you are Jackie O. Lady Macbeth. Barbara Streisand in 'My Fair Lady' even. You are dashing. You are smashing. You are a modern day Marie Antoinette. Minus the booze, drugs, and overall sexual promiscuity. You will probably run into some folks you have not seen in a while, and you want them to think you are a real class act. Carry yourself with an aristocratic air. You are successful. You are important. You borrowed the dress you are wearing, and the shoes too. Erroneous! Just be sure your knickers are clean and do not let your Britney show when getting out of the car.
2) Practice dancing before the event. Take ballroom dancing courses. Follow the lead and overall tone set by other patrons on dance floor. Don't get overzealous or showy, even though you are extremely talented in barefoot impromptu swing dancing.
3) Freshen up every so often during the evening. Make sure your updo is perfectly in place, your attire looking sharp, and dress staying put so you don't look like a slut. Remember, your future husband could be on the dance floor tonight. Do not add table and/or flower arrangement paraphernalia to your hair for any reason. Because that is silly. And not at all boheme-hippie-cute.
4) If the wedding party carries on to another locale, be sure to stay classy. Remember the insider tip 'liquor before beer, never fear' and switch from whiskey to beer. Do not put on Mom Pajamas or head scarves of any kind. You might think it is very becoming on you. You might even think it could be a fresh new look, like in a raw 'I'm so street it hurts' ghetto fab way. It's really not. You kinda look more androgynous trannyesque, to be honest. Plus, you grew up in the burbs. Represent, yo.
5) Follow these rules, and you will surely present a fine example to society. You will impress others and also show them that you are totally rad, ultra fierce, and yet calm and utterly swanlike.