Ask Fran

Awkward Alice said:

Dear Frances,

This is a talk show, so play Oprah and show us the way.When we meet new people or encounter friends of yesteryear, we frequently freeze up, pause and blurt out non sequiturs that ensure all parties feel awkwardly ill at ease and cause unnecessary forehead sweat. Recently upon seeing an old friend with his newish gf, within the first five minutes of convo and while they were in the midst of rattling off a story we were clearly on the outside of, we near-shouted in a boozy voice, 'do you two live together?!' They didn't, looked at each other awkwardly then shifted their eyes uneasily away, and in the silence we hiccupped and dropped our purse. In the future, how can we avoid this behavior?

dear awkward alice,

i found it no stretch of the imagination or fair coincidence that your pen name abbreviates to "AA" and that you described yourself both as "boozy" and "hiccupping" during said conversation. alice, you are obviously a sex addict.

what you need to do from here, is take a step back and consult http://www.a-jokes.com/sex.htm. so that the next time you see the couple, instead of getting intoxicatingly flustered and muttering something strange and awkward- mutter something RIDICULOUSLY strange and awkward* and ensure that the thing you initially said seems so much more miniscule in proportion, that the couple forgets about how weird it was altogether. then, go home and get some ass.

*this i just one possible example: A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

-fran